Fifi Flowers Quotes and Fun

5 More Rules for Life:

2011-09-25T15:05:00.001-07:00

1.) Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2.) Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

3.) Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4.) Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5.) Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Windex Tip

2011-08-06T12:46:00.001-07:00

I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if this actually works or not . . . but they say,

If you ever get the sudden urge
to run around naked,

you should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

The Visitor

2011-07-15T14:29:00.000-07:00

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let
him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

This is one of the best emails I have gotten in a while!

Punctuation

2011-07-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful !!!!!

TWO WOMEN IN A PUB

2011-03-17T11:06:00.001-07:00

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one looked at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live
on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part
of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So
did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
winding up in the
same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy
Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

A Little History Lesson...

2011-02-03T12:17:00.001-08:00

Where did Piss Poor come from?

Interesting History

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
Used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
Sold to the tannery . . . If you had to do this to survive
You were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
Even afford to buy a pot . . . They "didn't have a pot to
Piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
Because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
Think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
The 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their
Yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
June. However, since they were starting to smell . . .
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
Of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
All the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
Children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
Dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
Saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no
Wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
Warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
Lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
Sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof . . .
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
House. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
And other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence,
A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
Afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
Existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
Than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
Slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
So they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
Footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
When you opened the door, it would all start slipping
Outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
Kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit
The fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
Vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
Stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
Overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
Had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
The rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
Porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
Obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
Visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
Off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
The bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high
Acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
Causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
Tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
Considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
Bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
Got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
Would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
Prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
Table for a couple of days and the family would gather
Around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
Up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running
Out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
And would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
Grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
Were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
Realized they had been burying people alive . . . So they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone
could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth . . . . Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

So . . . get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these
facts with a friend.

We All Have a Purpose

2011-01-26T08:55:00.001-08:00

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.' The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

So, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path while I enjoy them too!

Christmas At The Gas Station

2010-12-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

LONG BUT WORTH READING... ENJOY...

The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve.

He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away.

He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life.

His wife had gone. He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the
last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warm-up. "Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy. I'll just go" "Not without something hot in your belly," George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger.

"It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you're done there's coffee and it's fresh."

Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell.
"Excuse me, be right back," George said.

There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked.

"Mister can you help me!" said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken."
George opened the hood.It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away.

"But mister. Please help...."The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside.

He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and
drove it around to where the couple was waiting.

"Here, you can borrow my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good."

George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. George turned and walked back inside the office.

"Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too.

That 'ol truck has brand new tires........" George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it.

"Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.

George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start.

It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers.

He discovered the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator.

"Well, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on.

"Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln.

They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car.

As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground.

Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Help me."

George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound.

"Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. "Something for pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back.

"These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills.

"You hang in there. I'm going to get you an ambulance."

George said, but the phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car."

He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up.

"Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there.

The guy that shot me is still in the area."

George sat down beside him. "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is.

Bullet passed right through 'ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain."

George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked.

"None for me," said the officer.

"Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city." Then George added: "Too bad I ain't got no donuts."

The officer laughed and winced at the same time. The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun.

"Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled.

His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.

"That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer.

"Son, why are you doing this?" asked George. "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt."

The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too.

Now give me the cash!"

The cop was reaching for his gun.

"Put that thing away," George said to the cop. "We got one too many in here now."

He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got.

Now put that pee shooter away."

George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time.

The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry.

"I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job.

My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week..."

George handed the gun to the cop. "Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can."

He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things."

George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer.

Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out."

The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop.

"Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer."

"Shut up and drink your coffee." the cop said.

George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an
ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn. "Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer.

"Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?"

"GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread.

Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man.

Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just
dropped his gun and ran."

George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other.

"That guy works here," the wounded cop continued.

"Yep," George said. "Just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job."

The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher.

The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?"

Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks
for everything."

"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve
some of your problems." George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box.

"Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day."

The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw.
"I can't take this," said the young man.

"It means something to you."

"And now it means something to you," replied George.

"I got my memories. That's all I need."

George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racing car and a
little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had
left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours." The
young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man
had handed him earlier. "And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too.

Count it as part of your first week's pay." George said.

"Now git home to your family."

The young man turned with tears streaming down his face.

"I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good."
"Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after."
George turned around to find that the stranger had returned.

"Where'd you come from? I thought you left?"

"I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger.

"You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?"

"Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree.

Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself
and besides I was getting a little chubby."

The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the
holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold
and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor.

The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by
terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and
share his wealth with many people.

That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man."
George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man.

"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when
your days are done you will be with Martha again." The stranger moved
toward the door.

"If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where
there is a big celebration planned."

George watched as the man's old leather jacket and his torn pants turned
into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.

"You see, George, it's My birthday. Merry Christmas."

HOW IS NORMA?

2010-12-13T18:38:00.001-08:00

This is hilarious !!

A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

Card Emailed to Fifi from Hubby...

2010-12-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

Email from my Hubby...

2010-11-17T11:06:00.001-08:00

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?
________________________________________

It's because she smells like a new golf bag

Forwarded to a Friend...

2010-11-16T14:21:00.001-08:00

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.
It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured,and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog,'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also, to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome @ my water bowl anytime!
.

Tomato Garden

2010-11-15T10:00:00.001-08:00

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m., the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now...
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

CURTAIN RODS - - PRICELESS

2010-11-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

________________________________________

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

________________________________________

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and
a bottle of spring-water.

________________________________________

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

________________________________________

________________________________________

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days .
Then slowly, the house began to smell.

________________________________________

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

________________________________________

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

________________________________________

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

________________________________________

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

________________________________________

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

________________________________________

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

________________________________________

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

________________________________________

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

________________________________________

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

________________________________________

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

________________________________________

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

________________________________________

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

________________________________________

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

________________________________________

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Halloween Kiss

2010-10-13T11:13:00.001-07:00

A cabbie
picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Clip and Paste this into an Email and SMILE!

2010-10-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

Very, very interesting, scientifically proven.................

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time. . . a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

You now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today....

Dust if you must...

2010-07-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

LADIES!!!
Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.
'A house becomes a home when you can write 'I love you' on the furniture.'
I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - 'in case someone came over'
Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit,
I don't have to explain the 'condition'of my home

They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.
Life is short. Enjoy it!

Dust if you must .......

but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . ... .

with wine to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must,

but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.
Dust if you must , but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind.

And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!
Share this with all the wonderful women in your life.
I JUST DID.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

Inner Peace: This is so true

2010-06-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Little Known Fact

2010-06-02T14:55:00.001-07:00

The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

After Life???

2010-06-01T22:44:00.001-07:00

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Although, their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion...Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh Bob, are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

Hmmmm...

2010-05-28T13:44:00.001-07:00

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open,
was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work...
Play golf!!!

Email Subject: Nine Words Women Use

2010-05-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever')

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!

Thought for the day:

2010-04-19T11:06:00.001-07:00

Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply
continue to fly...on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.

Hello Tech Support... We've Got a Problem!

2010-03-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

*********************************

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Fat stomach with farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources..)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7, and Jeep Parts 5.5!

Good Luck!
Tech Support

Girls Time Away!

2010-01-25T09:06:00.000-08:00

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down And tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the Bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into Letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands Over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............On the Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the Bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
So here I am.

Quote of the day:

2009-12-17T13:11:00.001-08:00

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Tequila Christmas Cookie Recipe

2009-12-17T10:02:00.000-08:00

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup or brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain the nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl in the trash, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !

Fifi's Comment Back to this emailed cookie recipe:

FORGET RECIPE... HATE TO BAKE... JUST SEND TEQUILA!!!

Loving EMAIL from My Hubby to his BLONDE wife...

2009-12-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to
print labels....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong
instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition....
learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain
storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions
said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's
no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
*
*
*
*
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

AND Fifi's REPLY to HUBBY:

HMMMMMMMMM... Should I be offended... YOU married a BLONDE by choice!

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

2009-11-18T20:57:00.001-08:00

Six married men
will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports
and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework,
complete science projects,
cook,
do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child
to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the UrgentCare.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside, and keeping it
presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television
when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn themselves with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished,
and eyebrows groomed

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe
abdominal cramps, back aches, head aches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings
but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings and
church,
and find time at least once to spend
the afternoon at the park or a similar
setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them,
dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair
by 7:00 am.

A test
will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be
required to know all of the following information:
each child's
birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,
and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...
he still
has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's
notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as
you think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can handle it.
Just don't send it back to me....
I'm going to bed.

Abe said...

2009-11-18T15:56:00.001-08:00

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

Abraham Lincoln

The Sack Lunches

2009-11-18T15:51:00.000-08:00

I put my carry-on in the luggage

Compartment and sat down in my

Assigned seat. It was going to be a

Long flight. 'I'm glad I have a

Good book to read. Perhaps I will get

A short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of

Soldiers came down the aisle and

Filled all the vacant seats, totally

Surrounding me. I decided to

Start a conversation.

'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

'Petawawa. We'll be there for two

Weeks for special training, and then

We're being deployed to Afghanistan

After flying for about an hour, an

Announcement was made that sack

Lunches were available for five

Dollars. It would be several hours

Before we reached the east, and I

Quickly decided a lunch would help

Pass the time..

As I reached for my wallet, I

Overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he

Planned to buy lunch.

'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably

Wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base '

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other

Soldiers. None were buying lunch. I

Walked to the back of the plane and

Handed the flight attendant a

Fifty dollar bill.

'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed

Tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a

Soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up

The aisle to where the soldiers

Were seated. She stopped at my seat

And asked, 'Which do you like

Best - beef or chicken?'

'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why

She asked. She turned and went to

The front of plane, returning a

Minute later with a dinner plate from

First class. 'This is your thanks..'

After we finished eating, I went

Again to the back of the plane,

Heading for the rest room.

A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it.

Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I

Saw the Flight Captain coming down

The aisle, looking at the aisle

Numbers as he walked, I hoped he was

Not looking for me, but noticed he

Was looking at the numbers only on

My side of the plane.

When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said,

'I want to shake your hand.'

Quickly unfastening my seat belt I

Stood and took the Captain's hand.

With a booming voice he said, 'I was

A soldier and I was a military pilot.

Once, someone bought me a lunch.

It was an act of kindness I

Never forgot.' I was embarrassed

When applause was heard from all of

The passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the

Plane so I could stretch my legs.

A man who was seated about six rows

In front of me reached out his

Hand, wanting to shake mine. He left

Another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed I gathered my

Belongings and started to deplane.

Waiting just inside the airplane door

Was a man who stopped me, put

Something in my shirt pocket, turned,

And walked away without saying a

Word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the

Soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them

And handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to

Reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich.

God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight

Feeling the love and respect of their

Fellow travelers. As I walked

Briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return.

These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only

Give them a couple of meals.

It seemed so little...

A veteran is someone who, at one

Point in his life, wrote a blank check

Made payable to 'The United States of

America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'

That is Honor, and there are way too

many people in this country who

no longer understand it.'

May God give you the strength and

courage to pass this along to

everyone on your email buddy list....

I JUST DID

Email said "Larry's Proverbs"

2009-11-18T15:45:00.000-08:00

1.A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17.. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak..

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

The Amazing Cucumber

2009-11-13T14:27:00.001-08:00

This information was in The New York Times several weeks ago as part of their "Spotlight on the Home" series that highlighted creative and fanciful ways to solve common problems.

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area. (WOW)

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!! (DOUBLE WOW)

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber sliced rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

Pass this along to everybody you know who is looking for better and safer ways to solve life's everyday problems..

Do you text in the car?

2009-11-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

2009-10-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

A bus stops and 2 men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

Hey, coola down lady, said the man.
Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi.

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again

My Favorite Email

2009-10-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.

Only great minds can read this This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT

Older Women are so Reasonable

2009-10-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,

'25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED, AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 22-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

"NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED, AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 47-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 22-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

For Golfers

2009-10-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.On the one month anniversary of their first dinner together on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

2009-09-30T17:14:00.001-07:00

A nice, calm respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

An Old Dog

2009-09-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

This is one of the best emails I have gotten in a while!
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find outw ho the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dogcomes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinnedto his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

Touchdown!!!

2009-09-25T13:49:00.001-07:00

Late afternoon entry... sent to me via email... had to share!

Friday Story: * Put Me In, Coach * St. Joseph, Missouri: -- Matt Ziesel doesn't stray far from Coach Dan McCamy on the sidelines during Benton High School's freshman football games. He likes to stay within earshot. "I'm ready, I'm ready....put me in, Coach," Ziesel says. Coach McCamy says he hears it about 10 times a game, and also at practices, from Ziesel, his 5-foot-3, 110-pound running back. So in the final stages of Benton's third game of the season on Monday at Maryville High School's freshman football game Coach McCamy decided it was time for Ziesel -- a 15-year-old with Down Syndrome -- to make his season debut. With about 10 seconds left in the game, and Benton trailing 46-0, Coach McCamy called his final timeout, told an assistant coach to organize the team for the "Matt play" and ran across to the other side of the field to the Maryville defensive coach -- and to some puzzled looks from the opposing players. "I've got a special situation," Coach McCamy told the Maryville freshman defensive coach David McEnaney. "I know you guys want to get a shutout, but can you let one of my guys run in for a touchdown?" He then explained about Matt having Down's Syndrome and asked the players to avoid physical contact with Ziesel but to make it as real as possible for him. "The Maryville players didn't hesitate at all," Opposing Coach McEnaney said. "They jumped right on board." So Matt ran a sweep to the right and just kept going. Coach McCamy made sure he was close enough to be heard -- running down the sideline alongside Matt, yelling as loudly as he could: "Come on, Matty! They're coming!" Coach McCamy yelled, making the play as real as possible for Ziesel. Benton lost Monday's game 46-6, but those six points made a bigger impact that Coach McCamy could have ever imagined. Matt's Mom, Patty Ziesel, had reservations about him joining the football team. After she had taken him for the mandatory physical, she received a call from his pediatrician. "We just want you to know that the doctor doesn't approve of him playing football," And then she said: "Well, neither do I. But he wants to be part of the team, and he will be part of the team." To minimize any danger, Matt doesn't take part in full-contact drills at practices, and on his touchdown run he raced untouched as players from both teams trailed along. Several days have passed since the 5 foot 3 inch Matt Ziesel chugged 60 yards down the sideline for his first high school touchdown -- but the buzz hasn't. The YouTube clip that Coach McCamy posted the next Tuesday (9 days ago) has received more than 437,735 hits. The e-mails and messages of support also have been rolling in all week -- to Coach McCamy as well as the Ziesel family. "It's just amazing how one play can mean so much to one kid and then to a team and then to a community," Coach McCamy said. "And now it's spread not just to the community of St. Joseph, but now it's spread across the U.S. How something so simple can impact so many." The opposing Coach McEnaney summed it up when he said: "It just takes you back to what high school sports should all really be about." ~ The Author is a writer for the McClatchy Newspapers which published the story September 19, 2009. ~

Click for YouTube Video of Matt's Touchdown Run if you cannot see it here...

Where the story came from... Click for 52Best.com: " Put Me in Coach "

Life Explained

2009-09-17T13:55:00.001-07:00

On the first day,
God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day,
God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day,
God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day,
God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God,
'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves ... For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family ... For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren ... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Live, laugh, and enjoy. You never know when it will end.

In Case of Emergency

2009-09-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday everyone!!
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to
the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the
trunk. .
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't
believe it!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching
drivers.
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which
made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course,
traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving
like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.. I could tell he
was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here? '
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly..
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!

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